My Goth Journey

The first time I was at all interested in Goth culture, I was an ignorant, impressionable 12-year-old.  I loved the fashion, the dark mysteriousness, and the references to history and literature.  However, when I did an Internet search for Goth jewelry, I found some Pagan and Wiccan themes and freaked out, thinking that Christians couldn't go Goth (Silly little thing I was...).  Fast forward to my first year of college dorm life, outside of my parent's constant surveillance and expectations.  I started looking for Christian Goths, to see if they existed.  To my surprise, I found Goths of all different faiths, totally diverse but brought together by their love of beauty and darkness.  That's when I decided to go out on a limb and try things out.  It was extremely gradual at first.  Thinking back, I can't believe it took me so long to do something as simple as dye my hair black...first I tried to bleach it white (disaster), then I wore it red for about a year before finally taking the plunge about 7 months ago.  I still don't look incredibly "Gothed up" for everyday-college classes and musical performances can make it difficult sometimes.  Since I am a vocal student, I cannot use permanent modifications like facial piercings or visible tattoos to decorate myself, and there is a fairly strict clothing code as well.  However, I do what I can as content myself with the fact that I can wear whatever I like when I'm not performing (or late for class, eep!), and the outside world's visual perception of me has nothing to do with the heart and soul inside.  God doesn't hate me, and even if the world does it doesn't matter.  I have found a wonderful place to be-somewhere where fashion magazines, family customs, and TV ads have no hold on me.  I can be my own person, as fancy or laid-back as I choose.  That doesn't mean that my mother doesn't insist on giving me bright, colorful things for my birthday to entice me into wearing more color, or that strangers don't occasionally approach me and ask what on earth is wrong with me.  The difference is that it doesn't matter.